people kill eachother over skin color and religion, and any other number of compleatly stupid things.... vietnam, a war over polotical systems and trade... for god sakes... or iraq, that whole spectacle, ... war is such a load of crap.. and the people running it are clueless.
i used to think that the world needed more tolerance.. but i dont think it does.
tolerance is for people who dont really embrace difference. we need something better. the world needs something better. I dont want my kids growing up thinking that they merly have to 'tolerate' those that are different from them. Understand them, see why they are different, embrace their difference as if it wasnt!
that's too much to ask, i know.
Why ... why cant we all just get along? why do ideas and figments and old men's biases have to decide who lives or dies--doesnt everyone deserve to live the best life this world has to offer them? why does there have to be some much god-damned injustice?
why do people have to get sick and die, when they could have been treated? there was an 8 year old boy that died from an infected tooth because his mother didnt have the money for a dentist... and dentists wouldnt or couldnt help. There are tens of thousands of elderly and disabled people that cannot afford food... and have to get by on charity, or less medication, or god know what else(alpo)... when there is so much wealth in this country--in the whole of the earth--why should ANYone have to go without--just without (without food, medical, shelter, love, understanding, respect) ..
why does everything have to be so creul?
there ARE bright spots in the world, a few people here and there making a difference... look at some of the rich people--bill gates is the best example, but he's not alone, that give millions, billions, to causes that help people--really actually help epople--and ar enot throwing money at a problem... there are people who donate time, individually, to help those in need, and they're better for it--and i wish the world were better for thier efforts..
but is it?
ya ever wonder why you have to keep breathing?
what are we living for? what is it that we can do that ten thousand generations of humans before us havnt arleady done--sure, we're unique, we have value, we are people ... but why are we people? why are we striving to live in in spite of the world trying to snuff us out.
Americans like to think that they're country is all about freedom. It's not. All that freedom comes from control--huge amounts of control. Answer me this, if america is so fucking free, then why do we have the largest prison population on earth? if we're so free, then how come it was only up untill a few years ago that consenting adults got thrown in prison for having anal sex? ... if we're so free ... then when arnt we FREE? we have umteen million laws (18 million, irrc) in this country... we are regualted to death and beyond--litteraly beyond death! laws govern how we can be burried, where we can be burried, and who does it. the choice is limited by laws. Records are kept on us, where we were born, what we've done in school... we're video taped in stores, on the streets, ... we're not fucking FREE. we're traped like rats in a cage, and have a delusion of freedom.
i'm pissed off about something else alltogehter, but this felt like something that i could talk about. i cant talk about my REAL problem, because there's no freedom to do so...
why keep breathing? to work? most people hate what they do ... to have kids? why? so they can be miserable too? ... is there really a point to this at ALL?
"oh, you live this life for god, to get into heaven" ... so i go though all this bullshit, just to see if the person that created me and ALREADY knows my destiny can have me in hevean, worshiping him all day? are you freaking kidding me? I'm sure there is a god ... but i dont think god gives much of a rats ass ... especially about how we behave... because if god did, there would have never been things like ww2, crusades, plagues ... and there wouldnt be things here to lead everyone down the wrong path. God, a loving god--could not allow these things to happen, and still exist.
If god is all powerful and all knowing--does god know of a way to destroy god? can god destroy god? if not.... then is god truly all powerful?
i think people keep on living because they dont know what else to do. I know that's my case. I live every day of my life in misery because i cant BE what i am (hence the title of my journal, 'what am i'). I keep living in spite of this, for no apparent reason at all. I know i could do any number of things--anyhting from being a janitor to becomeing a senator (only after i turn 35--age discrimination anyone?)... i wouldnt WANt to be president, other than for the purpose of doing something about all the fucking hypocracy in the world.
So i'm living, what now? what do i do while i'm here (not that there might be a place i go after)? ... do i keep doing what i do, or do i find something better? do i BECOME soemthing better? do i want to work at that?
i know almost all my live journal posts are like this--bitter complaints about the world and my place (or lack of it) in it.... but what now?
where do i take this, where do i take the feelings i have? where can i go to make the most difference in MY life and the life of others? how do i change things in this world in a way that will make it not THIS world--because, face it, i dont want to live in a place like this--why let it be and become the same that it is--just so others can struggle and suffer in it.
change isnt always a bad thing. Most change is for the good, if we can only see past the moment we're in ... ww2 was a horriic thing, nazi's killed 12 million people (6 million jews) .. tens of millions of russians lost thier lives in that war, hundreds of thousands of others too.. but good came out of it in the end--eventually we industrilized, eventually countries got universal medical, eventually planes, trains and autos became an every day thing.. life got easier. would it have happened without the changes the war brought? i dont know... i would like to think that it would have happened anyway. but, regardless, it took change to accomplish.
but the world needs more change. it's too sick and disturbed of a place to live if it keeps abusing itself this way--if people keep abusing themselvs and their children, it WILL NOT END.
speaking of end.