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102 weeks later [Mar. 16th, 2009|08:39 am]
[mood |crushedcrushed]

life still sucks.

i'm awake again, after a second day of less than 4 hours sleep. I'm not getting a full day of sleep for no apparent reason at all. I have no classes, no work, etc. I just cant stay asleep.

Then today it just got about a hundred times worse, because i woke up after a horrid nightmare about .. well, let's just not go there. It did make me think, through the hours that i laid there in renewed misery, just why i'm alive. You know, that whole "what is the meaning of life" thing? Hit me like a ton of bricks.

So, really, that's why i'm here right now, 2 weeks short of the second year aniversary of posting here last. I had to come and vent--to get this out semi-publicly. I am 99% certian no one reads this stuff anyway, or no one ever will, except a potential employer, or future ex GF trying to dig up soemthing. *waves to both*

So, for a long time now my life has revolved around a few things, dual orbits you could say. One was a goal--what i wanted to do with my life. That goal has come to a screeching halt. I wanted, more than anything, to become a teacher and help kids reach graduation. If my whole life had been spent with that goal in mind, and i had prevented a single dropout, or encouraged some one to take their life further than they otherwise would have--i would have considered myself successful. Now, however, that goal is on hold--possibly forever, as i just cant imagine myself jumping through the hoops to get there anymore. There's so much crap that i have to do that has nothing to do with teaching, before i become a teacher, that it's a great, grand discouragment. The weight of it made me bail out one class shy of my BA--which is one hoop towards the other--the Masters in Secondary Ed.

The second thing is some one i care about very much. There is a possibility that they're going to move and i will never see them again. This was the cause of my mightmare, which made my cry like a baby when I woke up. They bring such tremendous joy to my life, that i just cant imagine living life without ever seeing them again--to me, it would be like living without ever seeing the sun, or the night-sky--or breathing. It would be as if i were living in a tunnel, and they're the light in it. When they move, though i may still be able to talk to them, it would be as if the light in the tunnel were miles ahead--far to faint to keep me happy, or safe where I am. If they move, i dont know what i would do. I cant live in the dark.

The third thing, and far less important than either of the things above (which are not in the right order) are the goals i had wanted as i lived my life. None of which i really want, but have to atleast feign that i do. I realize, as i have through many posts i've done here any elsewhere, that i just dont need these things to drive me--and the fact is, they never will drive me to acomplish my goals. Material things, material goals, do not matter to me as much as they should--or need to. I see them as possibilities--like when some one turns a kalidescope--of what could be, of what i could have or create or make... but they're no more real to me than that image in the scope--temporary, and meerly eyecandy. They have no meaning in themselvs.

So what does have meaning? What part of my life means the most to me?

Well, the first i dont have an answer for right now. And to the latter, i think i know less now than i ever have--i know that that person has GREAT meaning to me, but i cant let that be THE meaning, or the only reason, why i keep breathing.

there has to be something more beyond this.

what is it?

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the world is obsurd [Mar. 26th, 2007|06:36 pm]
[mood |crushedcrushed]

seriously, have you ever thought about it? the world is an insane place.

people kill eachother over skin color and religion, and any other number of compleatly stupid things.... vietnam, a war over polotical systems and trade... for god sakes... or iraq, that whole spectacle, ... war is such a load of crap.. and the people running it are clueless.

i used to think that the world needed more tolerance.. but i dont think it does.

tolerance is for people who dont really embrace difference. we need something better. the world needs something better. I dont want my kids growing up thinking that they merly have to 'tolerate' those that are different from them. Understand them, see why they are different, embrace their difference as if it wasnt!

that's too much to ask, i know.

Why ... why cant we all just get along? why do ideas and figments and old men's biases have to decide who lives or dies--doesnt everyone deserve to live the best life this world has to offer them? why does there have to be some much god-damned injustice?

why do people have to get sick and die, when they could have been treated? there was an 8 year old boy that died from an infected tooth because his mother didnt have the money for a dentist... and dentists wouldnt or couldnt help. There are tens of thousands of elderly and disabled people that cannot afford food... and have to get by on charity, or less medication, or god know what else(alpo)... when there is so much wealth in this country--in the whole of the earth--why should ANYone have to go without--just without (without food, medical, shelter, love, understanding, respect) ..

why does everything have to be so creul?

there ARE bright spots in the world, a few people here and there making a difference... look at some of the rich people--bill gates is the best example, but he's not alone, that give millions, billions, to causes that help people--really actually help epople--and ar enot throwing money at a problem... there are people who donate time, individually, to help those in need, and they're better for it--and i wish the world were better for thier efforts..

but is it?

ya ever wonder why you have to keep breathing?

what are we living for? what is it that we can do that ten thousand generations of humans before us havnt arleady done--sure, we're unique, we have value, we are people ... but why are we people? why are we striving to live in in spite of the world trying to snuff us out.

Americans like to think that they're country is all about freedom. It's not. All that freedom comes from control--huge amounts of control. Answer me this, if america is so fucking free, then why do we have the largest prison population on earth? if we're so free, then how come it was only up untill a few years ago that consenting adults got thrown in prison for having anal sex? ... if we're so free ... then when arnt we FREE? we have umteen million laws (18 million, irrc) in this country... we are regualted to death and beyond--litteraly beyond death! laws govern how we can be burried, where we can be burried, and who does it. the choice is limited by laws. Records are kept on us, where we were born, what we've done in school... we're video taped in stores, on the streets, ... we're not fucking FREE. we're traped like rats in a cage, and have a delusion of freedom.

i'm pissed off about something else alltogehter, but this felt like something that i could talk about. i cant talk about my REAL problem, because there's no freedom to do so...

why keep breathing? to work? most people hate what they do ... to have kids? why? so they can be miserable too? ... is there really a point to this at ALL?

"oh, you live this life for god, to get into heaven" ... so i go though all this bullshit, just to see if the person that created me and ALREADY knows my destiny can have me in hevean, worshiping him all day? are you freaking kidding me? I'm sure there is a god ... but i dont think god gives much of a rats ass ... especially about how we behave... because if god did, there would have never been things like ww2, crusades, plagues ... and there wouldnt be things here to lead everyone down the wrong path. God, a loving god--could not allow these things to happen, and still exist.

If god is all powerful and all knowing--does god know of a way to destroy god? can god destroy god? if not.... then is god truly all powerful?

i think people keep on living because they dont know what else to do. I know that's my case. I live every day of my life in misery because i cant BE what i am (hence the title of my journal, 'what am i'). I keep living in spite of this, for no apparent reason at all. I know i could do any number of things--anyhting from being a janitor to becomeing a senator (only after i turn 35--age discrimination anyone?)... i wouldnt WANt to be president, other than for the purpose of doing something about all the fucking hypocracy in the world.

So i'm living, what now? what do i do while i'm here (not that there might be a place i go after)? ... do i keep doing what i do, or do i find something better? do i BECOME soemthing better? do i want to work at that?

i know almost all my live journal posts are like this--bitter complaints about the world and my place (or lack of it) in it.... but what now?


where do i take this, where do i take the feelings i have? where can i go to make the most difference in MY life and the life of others? how do i change things in this world in a way that will make it not THIS world--because, face it, i dont want to live in a place like this--why let it be and become the same that it is--just so others can struggle and suffer in it.

change isnt always a bad thing. Most change is for the good, if we can only see past the moment we're in ... ww2 was a horriic thing, nazi's killed 12 million people (6 million jews) .. tens of millions of russians lost thier lives in that war, hundreds of thousands of others too.. but good came out of it in the end--eventually we industrilized, eventually countries got universal medical, eventually planes, trains and autos became an every day thing.. life got easier. would it have happened without the changes the war brought? i dont know... i would like to think that it would have happened anyway. but, regardless, it took change to accomplish.

but the world needs more change. it's too sick and disturbed of a place to live if it keeps abusing itself this way--if people keep abusing themselvs and their children, it WILL NOT END.

speaking of end.

the end.

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Long time [Oct. 15th, 2006|06:51 am]
Well, it has been a while, now hasnt it?

the whole summer went by without me saying anything, and i cant pretend that i could fill in the whole thing--nor do i think anyone'd be interested in that. so i'll leave most of it out.

Back in school, as of August 28th. In 4 classes again, 3 history, and one philosophy. I dont think i'm really 'getting' the philosophy class very well. and as for the history classes... yeah, they're pwning me... but i think i'm doin alright... midterm result for 1 comes in next week, and i get to take the other next week.

Well, i got myself too many cars again. working on the one to fix and sell soon... it's a nice car, 91 voyager. has a miss. prolly an injector. Got a suzuki swift... i like it. it's my lil budy. it needs some control arm bushings... have to get ahold of the dealer to get them things. bah. may sell it. may sell my 97 pontiac too, dont know. gonna part-out and haul away my black s-10 truck.

no news on the 'getting a girlfriend' front. still not looking. happy the way i am. ... just waiting for the right girl to come along and get me. doenst look like that's gonna happen. eh, oh well.

hmm, yeah, basicaly i'm the same as i was a year ago, or 2 years ago, or 5 years ago ... but with slightly more knowedge, and a better understanding of who me is.

guess i dont have much to say. so i dont bother to say it.

have a myspace thing now ... never use it either... but, hi bri! (and emma, who'll prolly never see me LJ)

... well, must go.


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feeling better [Mar. 16th, 2006|11:21 pm]
feeling better than i was the last time i poseted. yay me.

got one paper mostly written, havnt begun the second, and am doomed on my midterm. but i'll keep trying.

the girly is here, and so's her mum and bro..

had the "stay at school all day" day today. not much fun, i must admit. but coulda been worse. the drive home was fine. lil slow.

feeling extreamly lazy. i dont really wanna do my school werk, so, blah.. prolly has something to do with the time crunch, and the girl being here (her bein here tends to make me not have time to do other things).

i cant seem to keep anyhting stored in my head ... like .. i think things and they keep slipping out. it's annoyng me, because, sometimes, i know i thought of something just brilliant early in the day, and now, for the life of me, cant recall it. wouldnt that be annoying? ... yet, i dont carry a note book around, cuz then, to everyone else, i'd be the "notebook guy".. gah.

got asked to join the libertarian party today. didnt. wont. wouldnt. guess you could guess that from my posts in the past... not that anyone's been reading them.

i'm missing the days where i could talk to some one online, even if it's just to kill time ... i dont have anyone anymore.. no noe (mainly cuz i dont talk to her, she depresses me almost instantly with the degrading talk... still love her tho--how messed up is that?) no bri (she ran away to school and went and got a steady bf) ... other bri i never talked to much (would if i could) but she's on her trip (having fun, i hope!)... bah. oh well. such is life, right?

i dont have spring break this year. that's what's killin me, i dont have a week off to rest and catch up to my work. it's non-stop untill may .. soemthing, 3rd? yeah. suxxors.

off i go! .. maybe some other time i'll post something witty... not witty tonight. infact, i been up 17 hours, so, wit, may, indeed, be impossible.

lukey poo
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Tis me, alive and stuck in a well. [Mar. 4th, 2006|10:54 pm]
i'm fine. started classes. Ethics, Revolutions, English, and English .. ahh the joys.

i know i'm doing ok in Ethics and Revolutoins, the others, i could be failing for all i know. tis a damn shame too.

i dont know what else to say.

helpin the lil girly with homeowrk this weekend. tried to get some reading done. dont wanna.

had the stomac flu, puked 3 times last night, feel like i might again any time now.

feeling sorta down and depressed about something... but taint nothing i cun talk abouts w/ anyone, so, i leave it at that.

have been too horrified to talk to cassie again. she works in the book store now, and .. even though i need to buy a book, i wont go in, cus she's there. pathetic, i know, but she scares me ..

she actually makes me think i could marry some day .. or want to. gah! Oh, sure, i've had that thought before, but it's never really been that concrete before... i couldnt reach out and touch some one that i was thinkin about... ya know?

i hate commuting. 85-130 miles a day. not fun. poor truck. poor luke. poor wallet.

i'm bored, and burried in homework, and slightly depressed

i'm starting to think i dont belong in the world which ive been placed .. you ever get that feeling?

do you ever get OUT of that feeling?

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general update [Jan. 10th, 2006|02:21 pm]
welp, suppose it's well past time to update..

skewl--hasnt started back up yet, but i got 3 A's and a B from last semester .. tis OK, not overly excited about that. but what ever.

hmmm, other than that, things have stayed the same.

had the kids over for christmas, went better than it did last year. it's strange to see the changes the kids (all of them) have made over the last year. Jenny's kids have grown a LOT. the youngest is just 2, but talks really well, and he's funny (has a sense of humor) ... the oldest is a video game addict (and i do mean addict!) ...

the LG (not jennies) is growin like a weed (inch and a half in 4 months)--also, you can see, with every visit, the changes in her attitude--it's REALLY striking at times. She's starting to question authority more and more--and throw teen tantrums (you know, the eye rolls, the dirty looks behind the back, the foot stomping reluctance to do something) .. her lil bro hasnt changed a whole lot--hasnt grown much either. He's prolly gonna start school soon--which i think everyone a little worried about. He loves school though, but i dont think he'll be in with the other kids.

i dont think i've changed too much over the last year... maybe a little more wisdom (or, to look at it alternativly, i'm more jaded). i've become much more concered iwth grades, i think ... i've learned to love, in an odd sorta way, doing research papers. i've come a wee bit closer to geting my licence ... and i'm still miles (and years) away from finishing school.

mom's doin better--but they're taking blood tests and preparing her for heart surgury (eventually, if the disability ever comes through) ... dad is ... well, dad... he's mostly freakin out about mom and me--i guess that's what dads do.

uhm .. hmm, that's about it, i guess?

i go now.
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R&R (random and ranting) [Sep. 12th, 2005|10:11 pm]
[mood |cheerfulcheerful]

Long journal post this time, maybe..

School has started, and, woe is me! There are 20 some odd books for all the classes I'm taking. I will try and read all of them (as all 20 ARE required-2 optional). In 4 classes, 2 history, and 2 philosophy. I'm probably looking at my major and minor right there… only time can tell I suppose.

Been thinking about things in life I like, or want… I seem to always be doing that, in this journal thing. But, really, I have!

A small plan has developed, by pressure, mostly, of time and money. I'm running out of time to spend free money. So, by the end of next year(2007, years = school years), hopefully, I'm going to have my baccalaureate degree (that is, if I have planned it out well enough). The following year, or there about, I'll be enrolling in the secondary education program-which, in short, means a year long internship-oh joy.

However, sometime before that fateful internship, I will have to have some work experience with school age kids. Where or when that will happen, I don't know yet, but I'm sure, once I talk to some one about the MAT program, they'll line me up with something horrific and loathsome.

After that, possibly a mere 3-4 years from now, I should be gainfully employed as a teacher. Poor students, I'll never be able to remember their names!

Now, what comes after that, you might wonder? Well, at that point, I become attached, forever and always, to a piece of soil. That's right, home-owner. The first will probably be practical, a nice comfortable abode, 2 bedrooms, a bathroom, a kitchen that's way too small. It'll be beautiful--may put up a white picket fence just for the hell of it.

Few years later, after I've saved some money, by living a painfully frugal life as a bachelor, I may or may not invest in finding a girlfriend-that may, eventually, and with not insignificant amounts of paperwork, be approved as a wife! This step in life is completely optional.

If the whole wife approval thing falls through in negotiations, then it's onto the next step solo! Kids. How, you might be asking, does a single man have kids? That's a very good question, and the answer is simple! Adoption. Perhaps some form of surrogacy, I haven't fully decided yet. In any case, around age 30-35, I'll try to incorporate a kid into my life, or, rather, once I have one, THEIR life (always hear parents say they don't have a life of their own). This step, also, is entirely optional (though more favorably looked upon than the negotiations for a wife).

If Plan Wife, and Plan Have-A-Kid BOTH fall through, I'm looking at early retirement as an option. Figure, start work at 30 (may be 27/28 though) and work eh, 20 years? I'll have earned about 1,000,000 dollars at that point in my life, and saved anywhere from 15-20% of it (probably invested) and put away another 25% or so in a home. I could then, if I haven't already, buy a sail boat, and just live on that, in any part of the world I wanted to… figure, it would cost, about 15-20k a year to live that way… with my, 400k saved up, I could spend approximately 20 years sailing around, doing nothing… so, then, cash runs out, I cut my sails, and drift along, all alone, until I'm dead-penniless, and forgotten.

Sounds like a dream come true!… really, it does, doesn't it?

Here's how it'll probably go…

Finish school at 28, start work at 30 because no one's hiring a history teacher, get married that SAME year, because I couldn't resist some chick, by 40, have 3-4 kids, all girls (girls cost more). STILL be working when I hit 60, because 3 out of 4 kids has made it to college-oh, and not some community college, not even the state university…. Some Ivy League bull shit. Retire at 72-very grey, very ill, and very spent. Die the next year-and put my wife through hell as our home is taken away to pay my medical expenses. I'll miss the FDA approval for the cure to what ever killed me, by, oh, an ironic 3-4 years (when my wife gets what I had, and lives another 45 years in an old folks home, because our kids turned into rich greedy bitches).

Life is grand.

Really, this was going to be a rant on what my ideal mate is... and why I could never catch her…

But I forgot about that rant, and made the other instead... hope you enjoyed it!

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update [Aug. 14th, 2005|10:22 pm]
ok, first, bri, plans changed, i pick them up at 1 now, not 3, crap .. ah well.


NICOLE!! talked to her, was good times. feel better will ya lady?

now... jokeage...

Here's a list of children's book titles which for some reason or another that didn't make it to your local book shop.

1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Fun Four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do Book
6. The Kid's Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mummy Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats go to Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly
12. That's it, I'm Putting You up for Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19. You Were an Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. Pop! Goes the Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
22. The Man in the Moon is Actually Satan
23. Your Nightmares Are Real
24. Where Would You Like to be Buried?
25. Eggs, Toilet Paper and Your School
26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Mrs. Electrical Outlet be Friends?
27. Places Where Mummy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

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(no subject) [Aug. 6th, 2005|03:23 pm]
life really is loverly sometimes..

it's sunny, it's warm, it's beautiful outside... and it's august! OMG!!

first, i'd like to comment on the fact that razor scooters are da bomb!

yeah, i got one, err, rather, dad got 2 .. i been playing with one, it's FUN! .. scootering around the block, hehe, downhill is really where it's at though... i've prolly put 3 miles on that scooter already, and only rode it 2 days so far, hehe... yes, i know it's really weird for a fat guy to be riding a tiny scooter, but it's fun damnit!... the lil girly will love them .. and so will her lil bro, if we can get him to ride one without killin himself... :-S

ok, and, newsflash!!

i got served a jury duty notice... aint life grand!? GRAND!? .. haha, i'm actually pretty excited about this.. i'm such a nerd ..

Fellow Alaskan,
Jury Service and You.
You have been randomly selected from a list of Alaska Permanent Fund Dividend applicants in your area to serve as a juror. Jury service is a simple process. You dont need special experience, training or education. Serving on a jury has many benefits. It allows you to exercise one of the most fundamental rights gauranteed in our Constitution. Although it may cause some personal inconvenience, most citezens find jury service is an interesting, rewarding and important job. Jury service also allows you to observe the performance of te judges who appear on your election ballot. Later you may have a chance to evaluate their performance.

... well aint that just grand?

yes/no questions..
yes/no 1. i will be 18 years of age or older at the time of scheduled service.
yes/no 2. i am a united states citizen.
yes/no 3. i can speak the english language.
yes/no 4. i can read the english language
yes/no 5. i am an alaska resident.

the othe r2 are just questions that ask me if i want to wuss out for any reason.. which i dont, really .. though a 10 month delay sounds kinda nifty...

i got the paint for my bike (repainting it, incase i havnt told ya) ... bright yellow ... i have to sand a run out of it today and re-spray... have a brass/somthing spary to go on some of the bike's accessories, which ought to make it look all nify, and stuffs... ready for niftyness!? i am damnit.

if i ever get it put back together, i'll show yall it's beautifishness...

anywho, i'll go now, and mabey find a journal or 2 to read..

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screw it [Jul. 15th, 2005|12:12 am]
i had this monster question thing filled out, but then i realized, a good 1/5th of the questions it asked i no-comment'd .. so, really, what's the point, right?

anyway, i'm bored, have been for days... ever since the kids left... life is suxxors

ok, not THAT bad, but, come on, it's BORING, and so am i, i've decided.

school starts in a month.. that oughta help some, maybe

i want a job, but i dont want one.. it's ever so confusing... is there a middle ground with that?... spose not .. cant be "sorta employed" anymore than u can be "sorta pregnant" ...

but i really wanna DO something... and there's nothing to do, especially when u have no money to do it..

suppose i should start figuring out what i can do without money... bah.

i need to get a full blown rant together soon... any ideas?

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